I Can’t Love You

I don’t like to gamble, but if there’s one person

I am willing to bet on, it’s myself. -BeyoncĂ©

It’s not that I am turning down the idea of someone loving me to the end of the Earth. It’s not that I don’t want to feel a love like that. It’s not that I will let you down by not giving it my all. It’s the simple fact that I need to take the time to love myself first. It’s the fact that in order to allow someone to love me that much, I need to love myself that much first.

One thing I have always been told is, “Live for yourself. Make yourself happy.” Those two sentences stick with me every single day. If I cannot make myself happy, then how could I possibly make someone else happy? I am not doubting my ability to care about someone; I am actually doubting my ability to add another person to my life in a way that could change mine forever.

I want to be able to get through a day without having to lean on someone. I want to be able to get up and go whenever I wish. I want to be able to drive for hours while listening to music that brings back a flood of memories without having to tell someone why I won’t be answering the phone for a while. I want to be able to sit by myself on the edge of the water somewhere without having to say a word. I want to be able to be comfortable being on my own in all of my endeavors before I add another person.

Some might say it’s selfish to think this way, but I say it’s the best way to find out who you want to be. I’m not lost. I’m making sure I have a clear mind before I start the journey to the rest of my life. “The rest of my life” meaning my career and my life outside of Bowling Green, Kentucky. If I choose to move away, I don’t want to leave someone behind. I don’t want to worry about what is going on in that town they’re in. I don’t want to worry if I made the right decision to get up and get on with my life.

I want to make every decision for myself. I want to make sure I am happy, so I can one day give you the best of me. I want to feel secure in the life I choose for myself. I want to love myself unconditionally every time I look in the mirror. I want to be who God intended for me to be because I know she’s out there somewhere; I just have to find her.

I really don’t want to sound selfish. Selfish is not my intention right now. I can only hope you understand and want the best for me too. One person you can always count on is yourself, and I have to be there for myself right now. It’s not that I won’t ever love you. It’s not that I am choosing someone else over you. It’s not that I don’t wish I could. It’s the simple fact that I can’t love you right now. I am trying to love myself.

Rae