You Don’t Do It for Me Anymore

“You promised to give me “the old me” back if I would just trust you.”

You walked in, and I fell at your feet like you were every answer I needed. I fell victim to your control like you were everything I had been searching for. You came into my life when I thought I was over things like you. You convinced me everyone has their kyrptonite. You let me believe everyday my world would stop for you until one day…one day I decided you don’t do it for me anymore. 

Your hands were vise grips, but your touch was still gentle. Your look was something I should have ran from, but it was too captivating. A glimpse of you always caught my eye, and that infamous grip of yours held me there for a moment too long. I was strong enough to walk away, but I was never strong enough to give you up. I always came back. I always stayed. I always entertained you, and I always loved you because you made me feel something I will never be able to explain. But one day I walked away. I walked out on you because because you don’t do it for me anymore. 

You promised me something beautiful, something I longed for. You promised to give me “the old me” back if I would just trust you. Something about you wasn’t good for me. I shouldn’t trust you with my well-being, especially not my body; you’ve destroyed it too many times. Days were long, and trust was rare. Despite those two things, I jumped into your arms anyway. I just wanted to know what it felt like for them to hold me one more time. One day I realized they were arms that smothered me, not arms that comforted me, and that’s when I left. I left because you don’t do it for me anymore.

There came a day that I was the answer to everything I was searching for because you don’t do it for me anymore. There came a day when I caught a glimpse of you, but you didn’t keep my attention because you don’t do it for me anymore. There came a day I woke up and promised myself something beautiful because you just don’t do it for me anymore. 

Anorexia, there came a day I stepped on the scale for the last time with hopes of keeping you for just a little longer. There came a day I didn’t feel the bitter cold biting the bottoms of my feet from the glass. There came a day I didn’t jump out of bed or race home to see a number determine my happiness. There came a day I decided you just don’t do it for me anymore. 

For many years I gambled my life to a scale. For many years I watched those numbers roll in like a Las Vegas slot machine, and some days I felt like I hit the jackpot; but other days I felt like I had lost everything I earned just days before because I was never happy enough to quit. 

— One July 1, 2012 I started my first journey to recovery. It was a long road, and it was by no means easy. I am not proud to say, “I started my first journey…” because that means there was a second one. This second one started just shy of 6 years later on April 21, 2018. The journeys are two completely different journeys because I am two completely different people, but they’re both equally challenging. Hopefully there will not be a third because I mean it when I say:

  YOU JUST DON’T DO IT FOR ME ANYMORE

 

-Rae