//October 27, 2018\\
As I sit here swinging on a porch swing in the middle of nowhere in Cosby, TN with Needtobreathe singing to me through my phone, the rain is coming down hard. It comes down as hard as my coffee is black and as heavy as my heart this morning. I woke up excited to go hiking only to find a text from my mom, and she was upset I didn’t tell her I left town. I do that often. It’s not because I don’t want her to know; I just forget. I don’t think about it, but maybe I should. Actually, I know I should.
I wouldn’t blame her if she never asked me where I was again because I never bother to tell her anyway, but I hope and PRAY she knows she’s always with me. She’s always in the back of my mind. She’s taught me a lot, but there’s one thing in particular that’s sitting heavy with me this morning as I try to come to terms with how things have played out this year.
Growing up my mother was a mom first, and that’s something I will always be thankful for. She taught me everything she knew, and she taught me everything she knew I would need. I never knew when I would need it and some of it I just brushed off, but there’s ONE thing that sticks with me. I think of it every single day as I barley skate through my mid-twenties and life is filled with things I don’t quite understand.
“Chelsey, never be the girl they want for the day, the week, the month. You should always be the woman they want to marry one day.”
My mom was there when I thought I wasn’t enough. She was there when I lost people and things that meant the world to me. She was there when I lost people and things I didn’t even know I loved yet. She was there through my childhood, high school, and college years. She’s still here through my twenties when I need her the most. I just don’t let her know I lean on her more now than I ever did back then.
While I was growing up, she knew I would question who I was. She knew I would wonder where I was going in my life. She knew I would get my heartbroken. She knew I would need to hear those two sentences. It’s like she had lived through it all a time or two.
My mom told me a lot of things about growing up, but that ONE thing is what gets me up every morning. It’s what I play in my head to keep me going. It’s what I NEED to hear everyday while I drink my coffee. I have struggled more during years 23 and 24 than I did in high school, and I have pushed her away. But she’s still there everyday.
We lose people in our lives.
We get our hearts broken.
We lose God and our faith.
We get lost finding ourselves.
People don’t always see our worth, and that’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We just have to remember that we are enough. I know I have to remember that I am a woman a man would want to marry not a girl he will keep for a day, a week, a month. I know I am more than enough, and some people just can’t face that. That’s okay. I’m not meant for everyone, and I’m not supposed to be meant for everyone. No one is meant for everyone.
God has given me a lot of lessons this year. Some of them I am already thankful for. Some of them I won’t understand for a long time.
I can tell you I am thankful for my Mama this morning. She told me the one thing that keeps me going through every heartbreak. The least I could do is tell her where I’m at.
-RAE
brightraeoflight 